||[21 Dec 2006|04:35pm]
Wow its been so long live journal, have mercy on my soul as I haven't graced you with my presence in almost a year...anyway..
Well I guess a lot has happened since I last thought about writing some of my thoughts down. Hopefully this wont drag on forever and I can make some interesting conclusions by the time I finish writing this.
College has probably been one of the biggest changes in my recent life. I heard endless stories, both good and bad about college from friends, family, and others before I actually got there, and I thought I had a pretty good image in my head as to what would be the scene over there at UD. In many ways I was right and in just as many I was wrong. I guess what sticks out in my mind the most was this notion in my head that I would go to college and change who I was a lot, and start over because I would be around all new people. Well to some degree I guess you could say that happened, at the very least I adapted to the environment; but for the most part I stayed the same person. So if anyone else out there is heading into college, you should probably work on liking who you are because you're probably not going to change as much as you think, if at all. I think the biggest mistake I made freshman year was not putting myself out there and trying to meet new people all the time no matter if I really thought I could be friends with them or not. I guess this could be an attribute to why I am still very much the same as I was before college. Looking back I guess I guess you could say I should've taken more risks on meeting others and being open but theres no going back, only pressing on.
I found a good quote the other day, at least I think it's good.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
I think this quote speaks to me in a lot of ways because lately I've been learning from a lot of people that life is more about the future than the past. I guess what I want to say is that it doesn't make any sense to try and base our happiness on the past because in order for that to happen we have to make ourselves think in a certain way in order to be at peace with those previous events, and that only hinders our point of view for the future, the chances of those kinds of events happening again and us being happy with them the second time around is slim. Lately I've been reminding myself of the phrase, forgive and forget. I think its good for me, we`ll see.
The other half of the quote, and another reason why it has spoken to me is the issue of health. Last summer I ran into some health problems which most likely affected my performance at school this year at school. I've come to realize that without health, none of us will ever really be happy. Thoughts about this topic tend to make me think about what humans really are. We are in fact, only animals; granted we may be really advanced ones, at the most basic level we are still only animals. If you think about any other animal on this planet, their entire lives are based around health. Not riches or having a perfect partner, but health. Health opens the door for true happiness, at least for me.
I saw an inspiring speech recently. The main topic was "Having a good relationship with yourself." I had never really thought about the quality of the relationship I had with myself, or that I even had a relationship with myself. The speech made me realize that if I don't have a good relationship with myself, I wont ever have a good relationship with someone else. I also learned that if you can't make yourself happy, then no one else can do it for you. After all, no one knows you better than you, and if you can't find a way to make yourself at all happy, then someone else has their work cut out for them trying to do it for you. I'm not saying here that I don't think someone else will ever bring me joy and happiness, but rather that if I don't like myself and if I don't feel good about who I am, my relationships aren't going to be healthy. I tend to be a rather inward person. A lot of my feeling and opinions on things are channeled inward. I tend not to share a lot of my thoughts with others. This is one thing that I don't really like about myself. My plan for the near future is to learn how to connect more with others and share my thoughts on a regular basis. I think this will help boost my confidence and cause me to stop judging myself so much and force me to start believing in myself.
On a related note, my first relationship has recently come to a close. My emotions could be best described as all over the wall. Some days I feel ready to tackle the world, and others I feel like I have gotten rid of the best thing that had ever happened to me. What I have learned in the past few days has really changed all of this, for the better..I think. I always used to say, oh, well people don't usually stay with the same person for their whole life. But after my recent break-up I fell hard. I felt like the only thing in the world which I had going for me had been ripped from my soul. Thank God, literally, that I don't believe that anymore. I think that God has given me these recent inspirations in quotes and speeches to nudge me in the right direction once again. And then there is always the saying, everything happens for a reason. Obviously I felt reason enough not to be with the person I said I loved any longer. I can only hope that all of this, the relationship, the inspiration, everything, can help me make a good decision next time. I know I have a lot of living to do, and that all of this is probably pretty typical for someone in my situation, but I feel a whole lot better now writing it all down and sorting it out.
"If you are too big to do something small, you are too small to do something big"